Fash! Geek: June Horoscopes: Forecasting Your Summer of Love

June Horoscopes: Forecasting Your Summer of Love

manrepeller_gemini2015 Just call me and Astrology Zone’s Susan Miller your twin Patti Stangers of the stars! (Although truly, you can call us anything you want so long as it’s not late for dinner.) Let’s do the damn thing:
Happy Birthday, Gemini! While you are busy preparing exactly how to word your Facebook status in order to properly thank the Academy for wishing you a joyous womb-exit, Mercury is busy preparing how to fuck shit up for 9 more days; Mercury loves to milk that retrograde. Because the planet has invited itself to your birthday whether you invited it or not, guard yourself against any technological catastrophes by keeping your cellphone in your purse for the duration of the celebration.
As for an actual birthday present, you will be glad to know that tomorrow, June 2 â€" with the full moon in all its butt flashing, white light glory â€" an important relationship will be made official. Whether you DTR (no more, “That Guy I’m Hooking Up With”) or actually get engaged (“I said yes!”) avoid signing anything until the 12th. Single as a dingle? Ask your boss to hang out. Maybe she’ll make you partner out of sheer boredom!
I had a Saturn in college (an SUV, not the planet) and it was great for a while but then after four years it decided to stop being a car and start being a road block. Similarly, Solar System Saturn is going to cause a major although hopefully not financial inconvenience as well. According to $uz, it will move back into your “romantic sector” from June 14 to September 17 which may “cause a temporary separation between you and your love, at no fault of your own.” â€" So don’t go blaming yourself, as Oprah would say. And don’t go breaking my heart, as Elton John sang.
But Kiki Dee, it doesn’t mean a breakup! It just means your dance partner in the horizontal tango may have to work in another city, or maybe you’re moving downtown while he stays uptown. If you’re meant to be, you guys will find a way. If you’re not, I’ll teach you how to use the subway. Turns out public transportation is way easier than trying to parallel park a planet, and if you’re a romantic, it’s ripe with opportunities to meet the love of your love.

Do you want to fall in love? Do you want to get pregnant? Do you want to host a baby on your home-grown all-you-can-eat buffet? Do you want me to stop asking questions? If you answered yes to any of the above prying queries, then get ready, Lion Kingdom: as per usual, everything the light touches is yours. (Note: to all Leos not ready to be an Easy Bake Oven, let’s just say your life in general will be fertile.)
If you are single, attend events. You’ve got Gemini and Jupiter acting as a fantastic tag-team. And if you can wait until the last weekend of June, here’s a cool sentence from Suz: “Venus in Leo will be flirt with Uranus, setting up a gorgeous weekend for travel and romance.” So get out there and do flirts; love is just around the river bend.
Ok Don Draper, you are a career-focused machine on the rise this month, so it’s less about the love for you. No, I technically did not watch Man Men, but I am online enough to gather that he was great at his job and he looked good in suits. I’ve heard through the gossip girls that he also once killed a stripper, so I’m not calling you Don Draper in that way. It’s more about the whole rise to fame and success kind-o-thing. You’ll kill an important presentation, not a human.
Anyway! You do have Mars in your social sector from June 24 to August 8 per our sassy secretary of the stars, which means that you’re in store for the kind of nights where you go out in sneakers, don’t give a fuck about guys, and have yourself a variety of TOYLs. That’s Time of Your Life(s) for those of you who break down acronyms like a gluten-intolerant baby does a bagel.
Did you know that Uranus is the natural ruler of your solar fifth house of love? Well it is, and on Tuesday, June 9, Mars is poking it on Facebook at just the right angle until a lovely romantic episode appears out of nowhere â€" *~poof~* â€" like a happy cloud.
On June 10, a romantic partner may surprise you as well. Or a business partner, so get after that career, working girl. LinkUp with a Virgo; sounds like you two are heading toward CEO-city. With Jupiter in Leo getting glittered on by Uranus on June 22, if you are single, you might meet someone who is single, too. And they’ll be interesting. You know, the kind of interesting where you text your friend, “I met someone totally weird but kind of cool and if they don’t make a hair doll of me then this might be love.”
If you are attached, he or she will remind you why, at one point in the relationship, you would have super-glued your noses together if it weren’t for allergies.
So fine, maybe I didn’t choose the best month for a love-themed Repell-o-scope. Especially not for the Scorpios where Susan literally waited until the very end of your sign to say this: “When will romance fit into this month? The answer is during the last third, when the Sun and Mars roll into your highly compatible sign of Cancer. You will be too busy this month gathering up every possible career goodie you can find. Let your social life rest a little. There’s plenty of time in July to enjoy life.”
I know you’re thinking, Great. July is in one month which means 29 days left of walking in a single’s wonderland. But Scorpios! Don’t let this bum you out! A) There’s always celeboyfriends, B) single doesn’t mean you’re not smooching a stranger and C) there’s more to life than love-labels. You know, like the fact that money is about to rain down as though Toto blessed it.

If you’re reading this on June 2 then it’s too late or just right depending on your idea of a good time. Uranus, the planet of surprise, is positioned well to the new moon today which means you’re about to get hit with something lovely yet unexpected. It may be moon toots, it may be love. (On June 27 28 â€" a super romantic weekend for you â€" it’s definitely love.)
It may also â€" especially after the above weekend â€" be a baby! Jupiter and Uranus assume babies are always good news and could bring a pregnancy “whether you are ready or not,” according to Suz. This is funny for two reasons: 1) science has always taught us that you can’t get pregnant from Uranus and 2) when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.
Dear Grandma, I’m so sorry if you are reading.
Alright. I did the whole “command-F-love-romance” thing on your Astrology Zone ‘scope and found little mention of either word, but that’s okay because I read between the lines like Double Stuffed Oreos.
Consider the following:
Suzan said this: “With the same emphasis on your sixth house at the new moon June 16, the Sun, Mars, and Mercury will stir your office life and make it very busy, so this would not be the right time to take a vacation.”
I read “stir your office life” as “your summer hook up may be right under your nose so long as he/she isn’t an intern unless you’re both interns in which case, have fun, be safe, don’t text nudes.”
I read “not the right time to take a vacation” as “use a ‘sick day’ instead.”
If it isn’t love, it might be hangover â€" residual proof that you may be getting too old for Fireball shots, but that no one is too old for a post-spring fling.
Guys, Susan is calling you out: “So many times when I go on Twitter, readers ask, ‘When will love be coming for me, an Aquarius?'” (Someone from Team Taurus may or may not have direct-messaged her about this as well, so ain’t no shame in our game.)
But she’s also listening. “Over the past ten months, the planets have been favoring those members of your sign who are attached.” (This is Jupiter’s doing.) However, “the cosmos is planning a wonderful celebration to wish good fortune Jupiter well as he packs his bags to move on to another sign. You will benefit in an outstanding way from the party the planets have planned for Jupiter in August.”
A party, eh? First of all, invite Capricorn. Second of all, planets, throw the party at my apartment because Susan said Taurii may find love at a home-grown rager. In those words. If you want to host your own fête, Mars is in your house of true love on June 5. BUT. Don’t run to Vegas until after June 11 should you meet your penguin mid-shindig. The Retrograde, remember?
No one really considers June part of the summer, right? We mope around and complain about how our winter bodies are still insulating us (which is a good thing because currently, winter weather is still freezing us despite IT BEING JUNE). So, take the next few weeks to do a few jumping jacks (or not â€" you’re perfect the way you are, but exercise has been shown to make you smile or some shit!) and prepare yourself emotionally for the month’s end, because, it will be your time to celebrate like disco never died.
If you are attached, you may get married. Sorry for spoiling the surprise.
If you’re single, Mars into Cancer from June 24 to August 8 will open the doors to a club called The Universe where you, my friend, could find love of your life. You know how they say, “Plenty of hot fish in the cool sea?” Guess what, Pisces. That means you.
Your sign is getting the old beam-from-Uranus â€" “a jewel of 2015,” per Susan. “Jupiter will bring on great possibilities for you to suddenly find love or if you are attached, to surprise your partner with an enchanting night filled with surprise and luxury.” (Best dates for this prediction: June 20 21.)
Now, I know she says this kind of thing a lot, but while this kind of thing will happen again in December 2019, Uranus will no longer be in Aries (I acknowledge that the sentence would have been funnier if the planets were swapped, but I can’t rewrite the universe, you know). Likewise, Jupiter will no longer be in Leo â€" your house of true love. You know what that means? The planetary magic moment that will occur on that second-to-last weekend in June will only happen once in a lifetime. Grab the bull by the balls and tell Summer you love her. If Seth can do it, so Cohen you.

Typically one doesn’t want to hear the words “bubble up,” “Uranus” and “vacation” in the same sentence â€" however, all bets are off when Susan Miller’s involved, because she used these three words to deliver great news involving our love life. Allow me to paraphrase and avoid any further mental images of Montezuma’s Revenge: Venus and the Butt Stuff Planet will have great chemistry on the last weekend in June. It’s best-activated if you get out of town or, if your parents are away and you live in the 1980s, throw a party. The cops may shut it down, but who cares about hand cuffs when you’re falling in love? Besides Christian Grey.
Olé! Now let’s call it a day.
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej


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